He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
