i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Randomize
