At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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