You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
