I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
