I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
