Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize