i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
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