His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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