I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
3pm strippers are depressing
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
don't judge my taste in strippers
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Randomize
