Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
