Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
