its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
You ruined the universe
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
