his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
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