I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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