I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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