you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
