The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
