There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Randomize
