Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
