so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
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