my vag is so smooth its legendary
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
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