Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
