my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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