I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Don't EVER smell your tampon
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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