Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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