There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
i black out too much to be "responsible"
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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