I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize
