So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
You need Xanax blowdarts
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
Randomize
