broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
