He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize