I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
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