Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
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