Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
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