So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
