It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Oh god it's open bar.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
