youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
We need a shit load of segways right now
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
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