I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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