I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
