So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Randomize
