I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
