I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
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