all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Randomize
