hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
