Old men and throwing up are my life now.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
