After last night, I could never be a politician.
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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