My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
and you fell through a lawn chair
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
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