when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
