You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
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