I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Randomize
