theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize