Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
