you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
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