My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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