we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
