We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
