she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
